Nine days since “Navigating Through The Matrix” with george kavassilas on Rise Multiversity followed by a personal session with him two days later…and I’m still processing the wealth of deeply resonant, liberating material shared.
As puzzle pieces settle into place, bringing me increasingly back to myself, the biggest shift happened during the broadcast when I finally, finally, finally got his repeated exhortations — You gotta respect them [the imposition]. I love ‘em. I don’t like them, but I love and respect them.
Until now, I’ve bridled at that…No, george, I don’t have to, and I don’t want to! They’ve been outright buggers and no, I don’t respect them, nor do I love them, and admittedly I have a lot of work to do before I get there anytime soon.
It took being plunged to the depths before anguished pain became anger…enough all-fucking-ready!!! And when I’m mad, get.out.of.my.way. You, too, I imagine. Anger is such an inflating sensation in the moment. While in that hot-headedness, things become focused and clear. I’m talking about the I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more type of anger. Not rage that consumes. That’s different. There is an element of sheer indignation about this type of anger…good people pushed to the brink finally taking a stand.
In what I later came to view as the earlier stages of my deconstruction, the dismantling of my core beliefs, I sometimes wondered, between sobs, where my anger was…where was my fire? Lost in love and light, I continued to bless all that was stabbing at me, shredding me, still believing that somehow all would be okay and the pain would subside.
It would be a year in before I found my fire. Countless hours I’d spent in inner inquiry. That particular weekend, feeling so bound, so constricted by the relentless stripping down of my being, I mused on the the animated movie, Kung Fu Panda. If you haven’t seen it, please do. It is profound. And funny. If you have, you’ll remember the early scenes of the antagonist imprisoned. I related. That is how I felt. Deep in the darkest dungeon, bound hand and foot, immobilized, humiliated, watched over by an army with layers of weapons, crushed to a breath. As I sat with that image, tears rolling from the weight, I pulsed into the seething rage of the movie character that kept his fires burning, and I fanned my own wee flame until it became a bonfire and with a great silent roar, broke loose from my chains, sucking in breath, spitting out you BASTARDS!!!!!!!
How powerful I must be to be held down, squashed, so hard. I’d known, but I hadn’t felt it as fully. And so began my head-to-head with the imposition. Righteous indignation. How dare you?!
I would love to say that in one bold stroke I gained the upper hand. Rather, it was a 14-round bout. They’d come back hard. Another two years passed before I achieved one step forward-one step back, my nose just reaching the waterline. Slow and heavy, pummeled, going, this 5+ year process.
So, you see, I had to differ with george on the respect and love thing.
Until January 24th, 2015.
And, I got it.
Respect and love are, like forgiveness, weights on us when withheld. They divide our essential self. A house divided lacks integrity. It is weakened, subject to all sorts of weather.
We love because we are love. We forgive because it is our-self that is injured in holding the grudge. We respect because in love we cannot do otherwise.
We do not have to like anyone or anything. That is honest acknowledgement, and within that, integrity.
Now that I get it, I get to practice it, embody it, live it.
Another step to sovereignty, wouldn’t you say?
© 2015, Elz. All rights reserved.