What a fascinating week! This Monday just passed, I had a shadow session with Sienna. This woman is a midwifing marvel. I’ve said it before, and I will most certainly say it again…a marvel. I was near blind to what she so easily saw as a huge impediment. It’s funny that way, isn’t it? Thing is, having someone know how to bring it to light is a real talent honed into a skill.
We all have these shadow aspects of ourselves, developed usually in times of crisis as a coping mechanism. As a fragment of our wholeness is splintered off, the imposition has an opening to rub salt in the wound and we lose perspective and balance.
From the pummeling I took in my multi-year deconstruction, an aspect of me developed…over developed: the controller/protector. Single parenting a teen while having to re-enter the job market during the economic collapse was a pretty full plate and this aspect of me dug deep into my masculine to keep things together, hanging on by fingernails. I’m well past hitting bottom, and rebuilding from a solid foundation is a bit over a year in progress. I don’t need the controller/protector on a daily basis, any longer. But, I’ve lived with her, relied on her, for so long now, she was just out of direct view.
Not to Sienna. Calling her out was like turning on the lights. Of course she was there, this aspect! I had to laugh…I felt silly in not having seen something so obvious. And this is why this work, and with someone who is very good at it, is so important. We are programmed, hoodwinked, overlayed to not see it.
Homework immediately revealed a connection made with a relative early in my childhood related to a tragedy. I hadn’t known I’d taken some of that on. And then a flood of realization of how everyone wants to control me…from parents to spouse to teachers to religion to bosses to the imposition! Cripes. And, then an inner clarity between my core self and this fragment came into focus. My controller/protector doesn’t really like doing this. She feels like she’s constantly cleaning up and can never rest. In that moment, I realized that I’ve become dependent upon her holding things together while I worked on healing. I’m very grateful to her for all her hard work! And…I need to own that I’ve perpetuated that imbalance by simply not wanting to be here, until recently. Perhaps it is that massive shift that has allowed this all to come to light?
I have more homework to complete this weekend, back in my own space for the work week. But, I’ve carried this new awareness around and been amazed at how it’s informed me, even something as simple as the way I walk. I’ve lost my measured pace, and fairly race-walk from place to place, driven to get there, get it done. I notice I’m more often in a quietly defensive posture, alert for drains on my energy. No one would know, outwardly, of course, but being in the matrix work world, I’m spending a great deal of energy on my own defenses! And, I don’t have to! I can, with ease and grace, teflon interactions so my energy is not compromised.
It’s as though a filter on the screen of life has been made apparent, and now I’m seeing through it. I can soften back into myself, in a healthy way, and heal this fragmented aspect of myself. It’s just so fascinating and liberating!
So what does this have to do with discernment? I’ve been through the ‘who to trust’ phase and I wanted to share. Certainly this is more personal than usual, but it’s just another example of discernement…breaking through the impediments and back into wholeness.
And that’s something I wish for us all! :-)
Shadows Genesis. Very cool.
photo thanks to Gratisography.com
© 2016, Elz. All rights reserved.